I never thought I’d write about manipulation in church leadership. But after thinking about what happened to my friend Ron at his church, I can’t stay quiet anymore.

He was the youth pastor there – you know, one of those energetic people who genuinely loves working with teens. The kind who stays up late texting kids through crisis, shows up at every football game, and somehow makes Bible study feel like hanging out with a cool older brother.

The church was growing. Numbers were up. Parents loved him. But something was… off.

It started small. His boss, the senior pastor, was skilled at manipulative leadership. He’d tell him one thing on Monday, then swear he’d said something completely different by Thursday. When he tried talking to other staff members about it, he’d find out somehow and pull him aside. “I’m concerned about your attitude,” he’d say. “Maybe you’re not ready for this level of ministry.”

Ron’s story of church leadership manipulation? It’s playing out in churches everywhere.

Maybe you’ve been there. That feeling in your gut during staff meetings. The way manipulative church leaders use “prayer concerns” to spread gossip. How they quote Scripture to shut down questions. You leave work wondering if you’re going crazy, if you’re the problem, if maybe you’re just not spiritual enough to understand their “vision.”

Let’s talk about what this really looks like.

The Setup

Church manipulation hits different. Why? Because it wears a spiritual mask. Everything gets wrapped in Bible verses and “God told me” moments. Question anything? You’re questioning God. Set a boundary? You’re being rebellious. Push back on their “vision”? You must not be hearing from the Holy Spirit.

What Manipulative Church Leadership Actually Looks Like

Based on what I’ve seen (and sadly, experienced):

They move the goalposts. Yesterday’s “great job” becomes today’s “not quite what we were looking for.” The target never stops moving.

They rewrite reality. “I never said that” becomes their favorite phrase, even when you have the email to prove it. You start voice recording meetings just to check your own sanity.

They pick favorites. There’s always an inner circle. The chosen ones get information first, better assignments, more flexibility. Until they don’t. The circle keeps shifting.

They use God as a weapon. “God laid it on my heart” becomes code for “do what I say without questioning.” Funny how God’s will always lines up perfectly with their preferences.

Getting Out

First thing? Trust your gut. That knot in your stomach when you face manipulative church leaders? It’s telling you something.

Here’s what you need to do:

• Start writing everything down. Every meeting, every “God told me” moment, every shifting story. Keep those receipts.
• Find a coach who gets church trauma and understands manipulation in ministry settings. Trust me on this one.
• Build your support system outside church. You’ll need people who aren’t caught in the same web.
• Set real boundaries. No more 11 PM “emergency” calls about Sunday’s PowerPoint.

Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is walk away from manipulative church environments. Read that again!

The Truth

Here’s what I’ve learned in my years of ministry: manipulation in church leadership thrives in silence. The more we talk about it, the less power it has. I’ve seen too many good people get crushed because they thought they were alone in facing manipulative leaders. You’re not. And those healthy churches you’re wondering about? They exist. I’ve found them. Healthy leaders exist too – the kind who encourage questions, admit mistakes, and actually practice what they preach. Just to complete his story, Ron eventually left that church and moved to another church where the leadership is healthy, his gifts are being used and appreciated and he’s finding a new freedom in ministry. So, there’s hope!

If you’re under manipulative church leadership, leaving isn’t failure. Sometimes it’s faithfulness.

What’s your story? Drop a comment if you’ve been there. Let’s break the silence about manipulation in church leadership.

P.S. Names changed because, well, you know how it goes.